Can We Talk? Rhode Island - A group helping parents talk with pre-teens about difficult issues. Offered throughout the State. Visit the national Can We Talk? website.
Want to know what your teens are doing?
Learn to listen and listen to learn.
Getting your teens to talk to you can seem hard. Start the talking, but then listen. Communication takes time and effort. Every day you can find time to talk – at the table, in the car, etc. Some experts say that girls are more comfortable talking openly than boys, but boys may be most comfortable talking while doing something else, such as a chore. 1
Listening is the most important skill for good communication. Most teens are waiting for you to start the conversation. Start by asking what their feelings or opinions are about something. Listen to what they have to say about it. If you listen, they are more likely to talk freely. Listening actively shows that you are supportive when your teen has a problem. Research shows that how you listen actually has more effect on your child than what you say. 2
Parents can be role models for good communication by being good listeners and talking to their children often. By modeling good listening skills, it is more likely that your teen will use good listening skills with you.
Here are some important tips for talking and listening to your teens:
Ask questions that can't be answered "yes" or "no." Ask specific questions about their activities, friends, and school. Be more specific than, “How’s it going?” Try asking, "How do you feel about…" or “Why do you think…happened?” or “What would you do if…”
Listen to your teen before jumping in with your thoughts. Then, honestly tell them what you believe and why. If you are not sure about some issues, tell them that too, and talk about it.
If your teen wants to talk and you are in the middle of something, try to stop and listen. If you can't stop what you are doing right away, set up another time when you won’t be distracted.
Give your teen your full attention when you talk. Look at them. Listen carefully. Don’t interrupt. Don't criticize them before you hear them out. Think about what they have to say.
Talk with your teens about their friends and peer pressure. Ask them to think about the choices they make. They might want to talk about their fears or worries.
Talk to your teens when things are good. You don’t want your teens to think you only talk to them or listen to them when there is a problem. Be sure to start conversations when everything is okay, and listen to what your teens have to say about the good things that may have happened during their day.
Help your teen put their feelings into words. Help them say things like, “I am disappointed because…” "I am confused by…" or "I’m afraid… will happen.” Putting feelings into words will help them control their emotions. This will help them make good decisions.
Don’t get mad if your teen tells you the truth about something. If you do, they may not come to you with problems. Let them feel safe talking to you, even if you don’t always like what you hear. Listen carefully to what they have to say, stay calm, and help them solve their problems.
Take their feelings seriously. Teens often have strong feelings about things you might think are unimportant. Listen to them anyway, so they know you care about them.
Pay attention to non-verbal communication. Notice emotions (such as anger, happiness or fear) and also body language that your child expresses when they are talking. This might help you understand how your teen feels about the topic, even if they aren’t telling you their feelings.
Here are some ideas for conversation-starters:
Ask about things your teen sees on TV (such as the news or a favorite TV show) or in the movies.
Ask your teen their opinion on something that you are thinking about or something in the news.
Tell your child a story about when you were a kid.
Talk about something that happened in your day, then ask about your child’s day.
Praise your child on something they did well, and then talk more about it.
If your child is sad, hurt, or frustrated about something – tell them that you understand how they feel and that you love them. Ask if they want to talk, but don’t force your child to talk if they are upset. Tell them you are ready to listen when they are ready to talk.
Ask about their friends.
Listen and let your teen know that you care what he/she feels. Listening actively will help build your relationship. Teens especially need to know that parents can listen without being judgmental.
